In Which They Shove Smuppets Up Their Asses
by octodoxy
Summary: A parody of poorly written shipping fics. Begins as Dave/John, includes sexist!Sollux, Bro/Equius, and Aradia, as the victim of many awkward moments.
1. Chapter 1

Note: This is a _parody_. We didn't even need to warn you. It's kind of obvious.  
>Obvious, considering the full title is '<em>In Which They Shove Squeaking Smuppets Up Their Asses as Shojo Sparkles Flood from Said Asses and Bro is Squeaking Other Smuppets A.K.A . Dad's Dick<em>' .  
>This was primarily to mock bad DaveJohn fanfictions, after a round of Dave/John fanfiction cliche bingo with Gabe (GabeFisheggs on ). We wrote it at 2 in the morning. Please, forgive us.

-(H)-(U)-(N)-(K)-(R)-(U)-(M)-(P)-

It was late September and the wind was picking up. A blonde teen, commonly known as the Pussy Destroyer in his Texan high school, hid his albino red eyes with his dark ironic shades as he waited for his best bro, Egderp to exit the school. Classes had just ended for the day, and Egderp had invited him over for one of his miraculous movie nights.

The hot Texan sun made sweat bead on the backs of Pussy Destroyer's toned white legs, but luckily, he was wearing tight denim shorts that exposed his whole legs; ironically, he always knew how to dress for any weather. As he stood on the school's pavement waiting for his best bud, he could almost connect this to one of his Bro's unironic animes that took place in school between two unnexpecting teens taken over by developing hormones, covered in sweat, tears and possibly more. The sound of the school's front doors opening erased the blonde's thoughts of homoerotic Japanese cartoons- jogging cheerfully now towards the sweat-drenched Pussy Destroyer was the ever exuberant Egderp, his best bro in the world.

The blonde pressed pause on his Zune mp3 player, "Shhh Hilary, your words about what dreams are made of will have to wait, my own dream has arrived, hey now, hey now, what's up Egderp?" John Egderp giggled in that silly trickster way he always did as he caught up to his friend, then pouted at the Texan blonde, "Hey! My name is John! Not cool man! So, what lame and totally unironic tunes were you listening to on your MP3 player, Pussy Destroyer?" he froze, and blushed scarlet, and his best bro could almost see shojo sparkles sparkle around him, "I mean... uh... well, everyone calls you that~!"

"Why yes Egderp that is what they call me, but for you I could destroy a whole lot more." Dave spoke in a monotone voice, achieved by years of practice in the ways of irony. He was saying that to make the derp squirm, yes that was his only reason. And how he did succeed. John bit his pink lower lip as his cute round face flushed rose yet again, "Sstop that!" he cried. This was the one thing Dave looked forward to the most- seeing John so flustered and embarrassed. Even as the Pussy Destroyer Destroyed Pussy after Pussy, John's metaphorical Pussy was the highest item on Dave's Pussy-to-Destroy List.

Even though Dave acted very confident and cool, he has a dark secret, one that he would never tell anyone. The secret ate him up inside, to the point where he completely denied it, even to himself. To make matters worse, tonight was to be a very special Egderp Movie Night, a sleepover was to top off the evening. Dave licked his ironically chapped lips, then mentally slapped himself. How could he take advantage of John like that, when John trusted him so much? Yes, he teased John- simple slaps on the butt and kisses on the lips and grabbing his ass when they shared a bed at sleepovers- but that was "no homo" straight guy best bro stuff! John had never suspected Dave's true feelings, not once. Dave hoped to keep it that way. Lately, the desire was becoming too much to control. So bad, in fact, it was possible he could rape John that very night! He knew John would forgive him- John always forgave him. But that didn't help ease the lump growing in his throat.

Maybe he could get John to consent to the activity somehow, and as ironically as possible. Dave thought of possible ways that he could get John in that sack, and came up with three. Recently John had been dumped by Victoria, a bitch Dave had warned him about. It was quite possible that he could pity John and take him that way. He could also say that he was going to help John practice kissing for other girls, or simply he COULD just rape him.

Dave was bad at emotional shit. His big bro hadn't prepared him for that kind of thing. So dealing with the Victoria issue was out of the question. Helping John practice kissing was a possibility- he could say Victoria dumped him because he sucked at it. But that involved emotional shit too, or at least an in depth explanation. Dave could not provide well in either category. But he knew which category he could provide very well in...penis size.

Trying to shake the topic out of his head for a while longer, Dave ironically looped his arm with John's and attempted to skip toward the bus stop that would take them to John's house. John did not partake in the ironic walking style, simply stumbling along behind him trying to keep up until they reached the bench at the bus stop.

"After you milady" Dave spoke, gesturing to the empty bench seat. John blushed like an anime shojo as he took his seat. Dave pondered his options ironically, then sat down coolly next to John. After several minutes of conversation of the utmost heterosexuality, Dave casually snaked his arm around John's shoulders. John blushed deeper and looked away, but before he could say anything, the bus pulled up at the curb. The bus ride was quick and uneventful, John talked Dave's ear off and then when they reached their stop they walked up the hill to John's development. When they reached the door to John's house there was a note taped to the door. 'Went out with Mr. Strider , Dick wanted to show me his "instrument". I won't be back for supper, there is food to warm up in the fridge and somecake as well. - Dad'

No one at home but them? The setting was too perfect. So perfect it almost scared Dave. "Follow me, bro," said John. "Race you up the stares!" "Your on." Said Dave. They ran up the stairs, almost getting to the top one when Dave tripped over John's leg. He took a fall, landing on something hard... as his sunglasses tumbled off his face he could see it was...John's boner! Dave gasped inaudibly and jumped up from John's crotch. They make eye contact briefly, both blushing deep crimson. "Uh," began John weakly, "the m-movies are in my room." Dave nodded as he hid his face from John's view as he replaced his shades. "Yeah, uh, sure." He followed John awkwardly into the bedroom (hubba hubba) where the movies were located.

Why would John have a hard on at a time like this? What did he say, or what did he think about to turn him on? "Hey, uh, you got any pajama pants a bro could borrow? These shorts are riding up in all the wrong places" Dave asked slowly. Also the soft cotton wouldn't pinch and scratch at his own growing problem. He sat on the edge of John's bed waiting for a response.

"Oh, uh, yeah, bro," said John, who turned to his closet and opened the door with a shaking hand. "Yeah, I think I got a pair, right…" Suddenly, something bright in color fell from the topmost shelf and hit John on the forehead. "Oh... owww-shiiiit." John mumbled as he swiped it from the floor and tossed it back into the closet. But Dave's albino red ninja jedi warrior knight eyes could sense all and see John's fast movements clear as day. It was no ordinary object it was phallus-shaped! And large! What would John need an object like that for-ohholyshit. Dave had no idea how to react. Already he'd taken off his booty shorts in preparation to throw on some pajama pants. Now, his 14.2 inch full hardon was visible. The longest recorded was 14 but that was because Dave hid from the World Record guys using his ninja prowess. John's eyes flicked to Dave's boner, then back to his closet. He nervously chucked a pair of sweatpants at Dave, who silently put them on.

Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult to seduce John after all. Dave smirked to himself as he slid the cotton pants up his soft legs and worked to tuck the large erection into them. He sauntered over to John and tapped his ass and winked before bending over slowly and picking up Con-Air from the pile of dvds on the floor. "Want to pop this bad boy in John?" He said sensually, pure sex dripping from his voice, wrapping around John's mind and making the raven haired derp blush. "Uh…..Yeah! I think that's…. a really good idea" John said in a whisper before sitting on his bed, breathless.

Dave winked saucily and perched next to John on the bed as the movie began. Dave could see John could hardly concentrate on the movie because of Dave's choice ass, so he pretended to focus on the movie too. 30 seconds into the opening credits, Dave decided John's attention was captured enough by the movie for Dave to make his move. Slyly, Dave stuck his hand in John's pants and grabbed his dick and yanked on it and John moaned really really loudly like a porn star! Dave was amazed by this sudden turn of events and realized that maybe raping John would not be very hard at all (A/N: haha hard do you get it guys do you get it).

John began whimpering even louder as Dave kept pulling at her dick and turned to say something "I'm not a homo Dave." Dave looked at him and smirked "Neither am I Egderp, but I can be a homo for you." And with that he kissed him, hand still working his penis. John then reached for Dave's own waistband, sneaking his fingers underneath and slowly feeling the huge dick Dave had kept secret from him for far too long, and traced delicate patterns onto the velvety smooth skin.

"I..." say Dave, between heavy breaths, "will -only- be homo, for you, John Dolores Egderp." He pulled harder at John's dick and John moaned louder. "Oh... oh Dave," whined John, his grip on Dave's enormous penis weakening as he fell into Dave's arms, "I've always.. wanted to hear you say that. Everytime I touch my hot dog I think about you, dave!" Dave realized what he had to do, and began, "Then John," he said valiantly and heroically, "let us feel good together." He pushed John back onto the bed and tore off his pants in a fit of manliness. "I am going to Destroy your Pussy, John." "Oh, Dave," said John, but then he stopped to think. "But... I don't have a Pussy you could possibly Destroy!" "But," said Dave ironically, "you DO."

Dave then spread John's legs apart and stared at the pucked flower of an entrance he had only dreamed about. "You ready for this babe?" He received a nod from John and plunged two fingers deep inside John's warmth. John was instantly moaning louder and he added another finger making his uke cry out from beneath him, each sound sending lightning shocks straight to his engorged dick.

Suddenly, Dave changed his mind. "No, this isn't good enough." He tore off his boxers in a flash to reveal his now 15 inch penis. "Woah, it grew!" cried John between moans. "That's because of how turned on I am by you, John. You're special to me. I told you, I'm only homo for you, John." He steadied himself at John's metaphorical Pussy, then shoved his entire dick deep into John. John spasmed underneath him, his moans growing increasingly louder and his dick get really really hard like a rock or like Dave's penis, echoing through the brittle walls of his home. Dave's dick was on fire like it was literally on fire. "OhJohn you are the only one for me!" he screamed, "I LOVE YOU JOHN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH" as he orgasmed, his creamy hot white love liquid going every which way as he pulled out of John. Dave collapsed on top of his now lover and kissed up and down his neck and began to whisper in his ear only to realize that he was asleep. Gosh they were going to have a lot to talk about tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

Sollux obviously knows how to treat the ladies.

CHAPTER 2: _I love the way you lie_

She hadn't expected him to turn up that night. She'd been lounging around in her pajamas idly, flicking through TV channels impassively, digging throught the fridge apathetically, vomiting shortly after, wearing the same deadpan she'd worn since the day she was born. She was feeling under-the-weather, because was having her period and god does having your period suck omg YES IT DOES girlz. But she

didn't say that because she did not feel much! She never felt good or bad just herself annd stoic and deadpan faced. Shirley Temple opened the door to reveal her handsome 3-d boyfriend and not the 2-d boyfriends her friend had well her not friend but she still fell in love with 2-d guys when she played dating sims. Her not friend- no, ENEMY, didn't really matter though. They hardly spoke anymore. Anyway, her boyfriend was standing, well, right there. "Uh, hey," she said, very nervouse all of a sudden.d "what are you here for," she said confusedly.

"Hey. thup thexy? I thought I'd drop by to thee how you were." Hey boyfriend responded. The moonlight bounced off his black hair and red/cyan glasses causing him to glow like Edward would in the sun. He stepped through the doorframe inviting himself into her house. "Tho what have you been up to?" He asked, his lisp was normally music to her ears but now, with her headache, the small noises his tongue and teeth made were driving her insane. "Uh, I was just kind of chilling out I guess?"

"Thattth thupid," he thaid, glaring thexily and then thmiling, "you wanna make out," she was not feeling goood at all, how coudl she make out! "No," she said unemoticonally, "I do not. I am going back to the kitchen to make myself some food." Her handsome dashing boyfriend, with his smooth skin and toned musle,s hung his coat on the rack in the corner and stares intently at her boobs. "And make me a thandwich too bitch."

"Sol, I told you I'd really prefer if you did not call me such vulgar names." She said as she passed through the arc to her kitchen. "Shut up ho. You know you love me." She sighed and opened the fridge to look at what she could possibly throw between two slices of bread. "Would ham be okay with you?" "Ham tatheth like shit. Do you want me to tharve?" She threw the ham back into the fridge and looked around and got the chicken, as her boyfriend called for her again. "You know what babe, I'm not that hungry, but I do want to eat thomething."

"You want dessert?"

"No, I'd like to eat you."

She looked at him quizically, quirking a brow.

"You heard me, babe," he grinned, his eyebrows flying in many directions, soaring high into the sky, almost leaving his face they were so flying around real fast. Aradia stared at him monotonishly and very harsh and crudely.

"You what-"

"I want to thtick my fathe in your"

"No, I heard you the first time."

Sollux snarled. "Then why'd you make me repeat mythelf, thlut?"

Aradia sighed and returned to the sandwich she was making. "Sollux, I have my period. That's not the best idea." He sighed mockily in return.

"'Thollux, I have my period, weehh'! What d'you want me to do about it, dumbath? All it really doeth ith make y ou damn pithy. I want to fuck you, tho I don't give a shit about your hormoneth. If you love me, you'd shut your trap and thtop making excutheth."

He was always like this. Straightforward about what he wanted, to a point. It was his way or the highway. He was getting impatient now, she could see it, but he also looked a bit confused. "No, wait. Period'th wen you get pithy...I think when you get blood it'th called, uh.. kwanthza or thumthing.? Or elliptheth.. uh. Shit."

"Sollux, Kwanzaa is a holiday, and an ellipses is-"

He thnapped back into focuth and looked back at hith girlfriend. "You shut up. You know jackshit about me, k? Anyway, a little blood ain't gonna get me down. I am going to fuck you and you are going to like it becauthe damn my penith ith huuuuuuuge." He cackled to himsleves. "That's what slutth would like, right? You'd know. Womena re liekt hat. Lookit you, think you're tho thmart correcting me. You bimboth are all the thame."

Aradia looked at him deadpan and monotone and unemotional because s he never felt things like anger. But if she couldn't she wouldnt anyway becoause she loved him and that's how love owkrs.

"Do you think maybe I can just, suck you off?" She asked. Sucking him off would be a quick solution to the problem at hand.

"Aradia, your mouth ith nowhere near ath good ath your cunt. Or your ath for that matter. Do you really want to leave me unthatithfied? I think that would be thelfish."

Aradia gazed at him and slowly blinked, unsure if she should press further for an easy escape or subcome to her boyfriends charming seductions.

"Come on, letth go to your bed, and do it already. You're wearing you thexy underwear right? Cauthe I'll be tho pithed if you aren't"

"Sollux-" she blushed. He was so charming, and yet. She had her period, sex could simply not happen! It was off-limits. A no-go. A bad idea! A foolish plot! Not a good thing to do. Bad bad bad! She was wearing her granny panties, too, under her sweatpants. He would certainly be disappointed, if not totally pissed. He swaggered to the bedroom, his pants hanging below his buttocks as always, his plaid boxers captured between his muscular buttcheeks. Aradia followed her boyfriend meekly as he tossed his baseball cap- worn back-to-front, as always- on the bed and fumbled with his belt. Why he bothered wearing a belt when his pants were so low, Aradia didn't know.

She watches as the belt loosened and his jeans dropped even further off his hips and stayed up just abover his knees. She shut her eyes and slinked into the bathroom telling Sollux "I'm just going to freshen up a bit." Before she closed the door she heard; "Good, you were making me feel like a Jew in a gas chamber with that B.O anyway."

She leaned in front of the sink and ran her hands through her hair, what was she going to do?

She sighed, rubbing her temples, then used the bathroom, taking her time. After washing her hands, she opened the door tensely and returned to the bedroom quietly. Unsurprisingly, her boyfriend was sprawled across the bed, one hand in his pants, but surprisingly he was totally asleep.

Quietly, she tiptoed back to the kitchen and dialed the number of her friend John. After the phone rang several times, she heard the loudest, high-pitched moan she'd ever heard in her life.

She jumped back from the phone, rubbing her ear, and glanced back to the bedroom to see if Sollux had awoken. His snoring was louder than ever. But did she call the wrong number? It sounded like a phone sex hotline. She glanced back at her cellphone's screen. No. It was John's number, alright.

Aradia pressed the phone back to her ear and listened intently. Was John hurt? No, he wasn't. She learned that it was the exact opposite from what she heard.

"DAVE! G-gosh Dave, stop for just a few minutes, wiiiiiill ya? AH! Aradia is on the PHONE, oh GOD." Said girl looked at her phone for a moment, before shaking her head.

"Uh, John?" She kept her voice down, not wanting to wake up the dreamily sleeping man in the other room. "Do you think I can maybe come over for, uhm, well a day or two?" "Uh, hey Aradia! Sorry about ... that! And YEAH! OF course you can! You know I'm always here for you! But why do you need to?" "Me and Sollux are just waiting out my- we're just waiting something out and I'd like a change of scenery is all."

"I..oh..ah! Sure, come on over." Aradia winced, glancing back at where Sollux lay sleeping, then returned to the phone.

"Are you, uh, sure this is a good time?" She could hear John chuckle on the other line. "Yeah, uh, Dave and I are almost finished, probably by the time you get here, soo..."

Aradia thanked him and hung up the phone, then quietly packed a totebag full of things she'd need the next couple of days. Then, she slipped out the door, and began to walk to John's house.


End file.
